Monica is married now…

Monica Denise Arnold became Mrs. Shannon Brown on November 22, 2010 in Los Angeles.

Speculators and haters have been bashing the union, questioning maternity, and making bets that Monica tried to beat gal pal Keyshia Cole to the altar. Well whatever the reason is for her quick nuptials, is it really anyone’s business?

Let’s give this girl a break. She had a series of bad seeds including her children’s father (loathe the title “baby daddy”), that arrogant No Limit-Now-Doing-Lifer C-Murder, and not to mention the ex who committed suicide in front of her. Sometimes you have to go through the jungle to get to the sea, but clearly Mr. Brown, who by the way can’t seem to stop smiling when she’s around, is clearly the one for her.

Shannon comes from a good family, was raised by two loving parents, and clearly knows how to treat his woman. He is not frowning or grabbing her ass in pictures, not walking two steps ahead of her, and not letting anyone disrespect her. He takes up for his woman, and that’s the kind of man you want.

Let’s not be bitter women and hate on this legal black love. Monica can really call herself a basketball “wife”…unlike some other folk. Now some of you need to find your own love, and stop reading self-help books written by dogs like Steve Harvey (who never had no women to begin with until he got famous). Yeah, I said it. Now runteldat to the Strawberry Letter.

2010 has seen the Summer of Love. More weddings and engagements have taken place this year than I recall in more recent years. I became a fiancee this year as well, but also saw rapper T.I. finally marry his baby mama Tiny; Martin Lawrence married his longtime girlfriend Shamicka Gibbs, mother of his two of his three daughters; Lala became Mrs. Carmelo Anthony after a five-year engagement, and singer Alicia Keys married  producer Swizz Beatz, perhaps the most controversial union of them all.

While it is good to see black love, the union of Keys and Swizz Beats was a bit disturbing. Now because we are all on the outside looking in, it is easy to say what we might or might not do in the name of love. But I have never understood one woman’s desire to become involved with a man who is still emotionally or legally attached to another.

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Are you being played? If you’re in a relationship with a man and something just doesn’t seem quite right, it probably isn’t.

Too many times we ignore our gut feeling in hopes of magically making a situation out to be something that it isn’t. If you’re uncertain about you and your “man’s” future, he’re a few surefire ways to let you know you need to dump him and take you stilettos to the nearest exit.

1. He has limited communication with you. You have a cell phone number and email and that’s it. If you’ve been seeing a man for a while and have never been to his home or your don’t know where he works, honey you are being duped. Men with something to hide purposely leave women in the dark. Check him out, and if your findings are unfavorable (i.e. he’s married, gay, or both). Cut him off.

2. He only calls or sees you at night. You’re a booty call boo. Nothing more nothing less. You will not be his woman because he does not respect you enough to be with you in  position that is not horizontal.

3. He is verbally, mentally or physically abusive. Do I really need to go into detail about why you need to get away from this man? This is a guaranteed trip to the ER, the funeral home, or an episode of Snapped.

4. He pulls disappearing acts. It’s possible for a man to let you into his life–well part of it and then disappear without giving it a second thought. If he’s gone suddenly on weekends or nights and you can’t reach him by phone during times of emergency or such. Chances are he’s got another life or a wife.

5. He’s never invited you to his home. This one is synonymous with number 1. But know off the bat, if it’s been a few months since you’ve been dating nad he never brings you to his house, girl you need to let that go and don’t look back. He’s got something going on and whatever it is, you don’t want to be a part of it.

Congratulations to the happy couple. LaLa Vasquez and Carmelo Anthony were married today in New York city at a lavish, star-studded ceremony. We know LaLa is saying FINALLY! We wish them both the best.

Is the onset of summer taking its toll on your relationship? Now is not the time to let things fall apart. You can have a summer fling with your man, hubby, or boyfriend and make him remember why he’s so lucky to have you. Don’t let the hot weather cool your relationship, keep the fire going with these five simple tips.

Activate your sexy. More heat, less clothes! Well not necessarily. Summer just means sundresses, flip-flops, shorts, and low-cut tops. Keep your man’s attention by showing a little skin every now and then. Men love summer, and they especially love sundresses. I’m not sure what it is they do for them, but there’s something about a flowing dress that brings a man to his knees.

Talk it Out. Summer often makes relationships stagnant because couples tend to get into their own thing. Travel plans, family reunions, work schedules often take a toll on couples spending time together. Share your plans with one another, and communicate regularly. Sometimes just sharing your day can take a load off. Go out for a Mojito and share your thoughts with each other.

Take a trip. Summer getaways are so romantic. Take a weekend trip somewhere and reconnect. Whether its to the islands, the beach, Vegas or wine country, spend time with your mate/spouse and find new reasons to fall in love again.

Keep sex and intimacy alive. Physical intimacy is important. Men are indeed physical creatures so denying him the booty can have disastrous results. Never be to busy for sex, it’s how we often connect and share our deepest feelings. Spend at least 15 minutes a day stimulating each other physically and mentally. Sex is about more than a physical bond, emotional bonds make it even stronger.

Hang out. Summer is the perfect time to hang with your mate. Whether its on the porch, at the club, or at neighborhood gathering, just spending time together will make your relationship even stronger. Sometimes it’s the simplest things in life that make the most impact.

In bed. What kind of lover will he? Inquiring minds want to know. Check out this article from Glamour and find out if that new guy is going to be worth your while in the sack.
7 Sneaky Ways to Tell What a Guy Will Be Like in Bed Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

Just because times are hard, it doesn’t mean your dating life has to suffer. Let’s face it, relationships are hard work. Finding time to do things is one thing, but finding money to do things with is quite another. Since I’ve always been sort of a guy’s girl, I’ve enjoyed everything from football games to shooting pool (and yes I’m lousy at it), but I still like to have a good time nonetheless.

Hanging out with your guy, or the guy you hope will be your guy doesn’t have to always revolve around spending money. A man who is willing to invest time and money in you is a keeper but sometimes as women we tend to be think that the well will never run dry. So, if your man is light on cash but you still want to enjoy a night on the town, here’s a few things you can do to keep your relationship exciting and budget friendly.

1. Go for $10 and under dates. Matinee movies, museums, flea markets, wine tastings, and street fairs are all fun things to do and they won’t stretch break the bank. Matinees are romantic because usually there’s few people there so you might be able to sneak a peek at something other than what’s on the screen. Museums are great, because as an artist myself, I find they’re great for conversation and flirting. Flea markets are fun because you can browse and bond. Street fairs such as events like the Taste of Chicago, have food and music.

2. Day trip. Say you live in L.A. but you’ve always wanted to spend a day in San Diego.  or you’re in ATL and wanna check out Savannah. With a tank of gas and money for food and maybe a little shopping, you spend the day in a new town and see what you can see. bring your i-pod and your thoughts to share them with your beau on the way out of town. Who knows, you may even forgo the trip and pull of the road for a nice little rendezvous.

3. Dinner and a movie at home. Rent yours or his favorite movie and prepare for a romantic night in! If you love to cook like me, whipping up a meal for you two is better than going out. Enlist his help and connect over food and a film and watch the sparks fly. Most men appreciate a home-cooked meal or at least the fact that you tried even if you’re a lousy cook.

4. Do something he likes. Men are simple creatures and often they may just want to do something, well simple. If he’s into sports, watch a game with him and enjoy it. I love football and boxing so if my man wants to watch either of the two, I’m cool with that. Now baseball, that’s another story…

5. Have a picnic. Spend the day getting to know each other and enjoy the outdoors. Picnics are intimate and romantic. What better way to connect? Hit your deli or make some sandwiches, grab a bottle of Moscato and head for the nearest park.

Don’t let money be the downfall of your relationship. It’s one of the main reason couples breakup. Be considerate of each others lifestyle and finances. Because in the end, it’s all about being together and building something.

Ladies, are you at war with yourself? Yes, as a black woman I am sick of all the “Why Black Women Aren’t…” But let me offer some opinions from a female perspective in combination with the male perspectives of men I know. Since I am not one to be in denial, I can accept constructive criticism. However because I am newly engaged, I can offer some insight of some of the things that are huge issues for Black men. They are all not into white women, gay, commitment phobes, broke, or crazy. There are some good men out there but because many women are too self-absorbed and shallow, they don’t see the diamonds in the rough. I’m introducing this column, REALationships to address issues that seem to be the focus of relationship talk. Feel free to post comments. I would love to hear them.

1. You claim you want a real man but everything about you is fake. Your hair, nails, butt, eyes…you get the picture. So again, look in the mirror before you say you want a “real” man. Stop hiding behind yakky yak, colored contacts, and Kim Kardashian butt implants. Everything ain’t for everybody.

2. You have a grocery list of must-haves in a man. If a man took your list and reversed on you, would you match up to all you are asking for? Probably not.

3. You have too much excess baggage. Emotionally and physically. You hold your past hurts against every man you meet. And physically you can’t seem to decipher the difference between thick and fat. Ordering two super burritos and a diet Coke is just plain f%$#$@*% stupid!

4. You had 3 kids by three different men and wanna run around Bible thumping. In other words, don’t go around the block a few times then try to act like you just took a walk. We all make mistakes but being a hypocrite is not going to make a man listen to your crap when you shouldn’t be pointing fingers.

5. You’ve attained the perfect career, the Benz and the house and now you think because the brother who hasn’t made all the moves you have is less than worthy of your attention. Nobody told you to do all that. Most men look forward to providing for their wife and family so if you’ve done it all and are throwing it in his face, you aren’t making it easier for him to approach you. Stop looking for a mil ticket and look at the man’s heart. Golddigging won’t get you anywhere. If it does you won’t be there long.

6. You think that every man who talks to you wants you. So instead of being cordial you go into Super Bitch mode. Can’t a brutha just say “Hi?”

7. You let your lonely, bitter ass girlfriends who are in the same boat as you give you bad advice.

8. You’re a hater. You hate on your friends, rivals, men, and just about everyone else who comes across your path. If you’re so filled with hate, maybe you need to put a few more mirrors up in your house and take a long, hard look in them.

9. You date men you know are no good but because you think you can change him you stick around hoping that somehow he’ll change. If he ain’t shit to begin with, you hanging on is not going to make him change. Stop wasting your time.

10. You would rather be some rich man’s whore than a poor man’s wife. A cheating man is going to drain you emotionally whether you’re in Payless pumps or Christian Louboutin’s. Look at Shaunie O’Neal and Tawanna Iverson. Millions in the bank, but where was the peace of mind? Leave married men alone, stop thinking the “kept woman” status is a badge of honor. It’s not, and you’ll be left with nothing when it comes down to it. Ask Lil Kim about that.

11. You think just because you’re attractive you have all the time in the world to find a husband. Well honey if you’re over 30, you better think again. Men don’t marry for looks (well some might but those relationships don’t really last now do they?). Most men marry because they feel the woman would be a good wife and mother. Period. It’s not about your face or sex, although those factors are an added bonus if you’re a good combination of all the aforementioned. Bottom line, a lot of ugly women are married. Go figure.

12. You never cook and are constantly nagging him to go out to eat. The comforts of home are far more inviting than a noisy restaurant. After a hard day, some men just want to come home, have a nice meal and chill. Now not knowing how to cook is not a deal breaker, some husbands are better cook than their wives and do most of the cooking but an E for effort goes a long way.

13. You talk too much. you tell your friends and family every detail of your life and wonder why you can’t keep them out of your business. Real men loathe people in their business. Keep your relationship matters private, especially if you want it to last.

14. Your mother is a man-hater. Maybe your mother was the chick on the side, your dad left her for someone else, or she has no life. But stop listening to the “You don’t need no man” logic. a generation of women has lived by this and look where it has left them, bitter, alone and cold.

15. You refuse to give oral sex…or you stopped doing it. Don’t shoot the messenger, but this is huge issue with some black men. A woman who absolutely refuses to do it, is a turn-off. Now honestly if there is some emotional reason you don’t do it (i.e. rape, incest etc.), I truly understand. But just flat out refusing is not going to win most men over or keep them faithful.

16. You don’t listen. For once just sit and listen to him. You can talk about work, your girlfriends and anything else later. Sometimes women we talk too much and never let him get a word in.

17. You watch too much reality television. The Real-Housewives are entertaining, and yes it may be exciting to be a ballers wife but honey real issues affect them just as much as they affect you. Don’t let the big houses, shiny jewels and leased cars fool you.

18. You want what society says you should have. Even if you could have Idris Elba or Laz Alonso, they wake up in the morning with stank breath too. In other words, they’re men. They are not perfect, they just play characters who are. Stop assessing your needs in a man by what you see on the big screen.

19. You want it all, but none of us can have it all. Life doesn’t work that way. If he’s not perfect but you find him attractive, personable, and he’s good to you, you better make it work and stop trippin’.

20. You think you can have sex like a man and not get hurt. Yeah you may be able to for a while but at some point you’re going to get tired of going home to an empty bed or watching him rush to shower after you’re done and make the mad dash for the door all before you can even throw the covers back.

21. You disregard what a man says and think, “He didn’t mean it.” Yes, he did. If he says he’s not ready for a relationship, doesn’t want kids, has trust issues, or all of the above, listen. He’s not just blowing hot air, there’s some mega-truth in what he’s saying. You can’t change anyone. They have to want to change and if they don’t, you need to move on.

22. For the mothers, you ignore the signs your kids give you. If you have kids and your kids are not comfortable around your man, pay close attention. Some kids are just brats and want to run away every man that is not their father, however, most children are intuitive. They know when someone isn’t right.

23. You’re boring as hell. You never want to travel, go out, try anything new or just do something he wants. Don’t be a bore. This is the easiest way to make a run for the hills–unless he is a bore too, but what fun would that relationship be?

24. You refuse to love who loves you. If a man’s been trying to get you for some time, eventually he’s going to move on. As we grow older, the games have to stop. If you’re waiting on perfection, you’ll be waiting a long time. So when you see that nice guy you passed up in the mall with his cute and very pregnant wife, don’t get on the phone and call your girlfriends talking about, “Remember Carl? The one used to be jocking me back in the day? Girl he’s married and his wife is pregnant. She ain’t even that cute.” Well apparently she was “cute” enough for him to marry a bear his children. So while you’re toting your shopping bags back to the car, remember you’ll be going home ALONE while Carl and his wife will be sitting on their couch laughing at chicks like you on reality television.

25. You just don’t get it. For those of you who want to continue to deny, blame society, or think that you have time, good luck. You don’t have to settle but you need to be realistic. The average black man is not a baller. Most are just bruthas trying to make it. Learn to work with what God gives you and stop trying to control everything.


Love can be a source of joy or pain. But you decide it’s fate. — O